Harry Potter and the Nonsensical Blather
by starla17
Summary: The title says it all.. Far more interesting than it sounds
1. It Was A Dark and Stormy Night

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all associated characters belong to J.K. Rowling (unfortunately). This story, and its plot, belongs to me. (Unfortunately).  
  
HARRY POTTER AND THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE  
  
Harry could not shake off the feeling that he was being watched. He looked over his shoulder, then back, then over his shoulder again. Who was watching him? Could it be (*gasp of horror*) Voldemort???????? Shut up, he told his brain. No one is watching me. I'm alone. All of a sudden, dobby pounced onto his face. Harry spluttered in repulsion. "DFFFBBY!!!!!!!!! GFT OFFFFFFF!!" "Harry Potter must stay safe!" Harry ripped dobby off of his face and dropped him with a splat onto the ground. "What is it now?" he tried to hide his anger. He grumbled several cruel words in his head. (Actually, he cursed like a sailor). Smoke was coming out of his ears. "Dobby has seen new plans!" dobby wailed. "harry potter must not-.." Dobby stopped mid sentence as though his tongue had been cut off. He fell neatly onto the floor with a dull thud.  
  
"Er."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Dobby?"  
  
Harry crouched onto the floor and looked at dobby. He had a huge smile on his face. He was not breathing. Harry took a minute to process a thought. Then he screamed.  
  
"Wot's goin' on up here?" grumbled Vernon, shattering the door and fuming like a bloody smokestack. He was quivering with rage, as always, and when he saw the seemingly dead houself on the floor, he began to convulse with rage. "WOT IN BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON?????"  
  
Harry had a choice. He could stay in this room and possibly be seriously injured, or he could grab his broom and jump out the window. How come I never thought of that before? He wondered.  
  
"E-.." But before Harry could even finish his trademark "er," Vernon had made a fist and clobbered him.  
  
When Harry woke up, he was lying in a bed that was not his. It was a hospital bed! Yikes! Hermione was grinning madly at him! "He's awake!" she shrieked ecstatically. Harry tried to cover his ears, but realized that he was missing an arm. What had Vernon done to him?  
  
"Er," Harry began. "Where's my arm?"  
  
Hermione's wild smile curled into a frown. "Well.. Harry. We were hoping that you might not notice it was gone."  
  
"Not notice?" Hermione's hair blew in the wake of his scream. "It's my bloody wand arm. Of course I would notice if something like that went missing." He paused to think. "Where is it?"  
  
"On a plaque on Voldemort's wall." Ron sidled up to the bed cautiously. "If he hadn't taken your arm, he probably would have taken you."  
  
"We tried to get him to take your foot!" added Ginny helpfully. Her face was a dark shade of fuschia at the moment. Harry looked at her, and she ran away as fast as she could. He tried to shrug, but nodded instead.  
  
"Well."  
  
Everyone was silent. It was such an odd situation.  
  
"Hi!" A nurse with an irritatingly perfect smile, glittering eyes, big pink sparkly faerie wings, and silky blonde hair walked up to them. She was perfect in every single way. Even her flaws were perfect. (Author: puke!) "I'm Mary Sue. Do you need an arm?" She reached into that perfectly beautiful bag that all Mary Sues carry, and pulled out an arm that looked exactly like Harry's. With her magical hand, she welded it onto his shoulder.  
  
"There." She vanished in a poof of smoke, leaving the others to wonder just where all these damn Mary Sues keep coming from. They are quite useful, though- they certainly like to be heroes.  
  
"Well." Hermione cracked her knuckles. "Ron, we should be going."  
  
"What?" Ron looked genuinely mystified. "Where? We're here to visit Harry."  
  
"AHEM." Hermione subtly kicked Ron in the shin.  
  
"Owwww!" Ron whimpered. "Ohhhhhhh!" He remembered. "Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. We have things to do. Important business. Yes indeed." He winked. Hermione rolled her eyes.  
  
Hermione kissed Harry on the arm, and then cheek, and then scar, and then started to cry.  
  
"What is wrong with you?" Ron rolled his eyes. "We'd better let Harry rest. Cya, Harr."  
  
"Harr?" pondered Harry. "Well, okay. Er. Bye for now."  
  
Hermione blew a kiss to Harry. "We'll be back in a few hours!"  
  
Harry stared at the ceiling. He found that if you counted the dots on a ceiling in a certain order, the ceiling would open into a portal. Of course, this was just the effect of all those painkillers that he was on, but if you were a wizard this seemed to be a perfectly normal idea.  
  
A few days passed and Harry was deemed well enough to leave the hospital. He and Hermione were going to spend the rest of Summer at the Burrow.  
  
Harry and Ron shared a small cot on the floor. Now that Harry was tall it seemed even smaller. Harry noticed several pains in his scar while he slept.  
  
"Ow. Ow. Oow.." He whimpered in his head for hours on end.. What could Voldemort be up to that was causing him such pain? Perhaps he was torturing someone.. Or maybe he was nearby.. Or maybe he was in the room!  
  
Harry opened his eyes! Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw next.  
  
Ron was poking Harry repeatedly in his scar. His fingernail must have been sharp!  
  
Harry, enraged, sat up and knocked on Ron's head.  
  
Ron continued to sleep. God, thought Harry. He sleeps like a rock.  
  
Harry poked Ron in the eye with his wand. Ron tossed and turned, then woke up.  
  
"What the bloody hell do you want, Harry?"  
  
"Nothing.. just stop poking me!"  
  
"Fine.." said Ron. "My eyes hhhhurt.."  
  
Harry looked at Ron, despite the fact that it was too dark to see.  
  
"Ron, where did you and Hermione go the other day?"  
  
Even in the dark Harry could see Ron's face turn beet red. It was kind of a cool, iridescent, glowing colour. Harry could have read by the light he was giving off.  
  
"Errrrr.." Ron paused. "Bloody 'ell Harry, its 2:00 am. Let me sleep." Ron buried his lamp of a face into the pillow and fell asleep. Harry felt hurt.  
  
"Hi Harry!" Hermione poked him in the scar. It was 9:00 am. Ron was still asleep.  
  
"How are you feeling?" gushed Hermione. Harry got out of the cot and looked at Hermione.  
  
"Errurrrhuh?" It was too early in the morning. "Er?"  
  
Hermione took a rose out of her pocket and gave it to Harry. "For you, mon amour."  
  
The expression on Harry's face probably should have killed Hermione right then and there; it was a look of utter confusion; he looked as though he had just eaten 50 lemons..  
  
Hermione was off in another world and could not even begin to see the expression on his face. Harry had never seen Hermione like this before. He had never imagined her in this way. He had never seen her act this pathetic.  
  
"Hermione?" She remained deep in thought. "Hellooo.." He tapped on her head.  
  
She opened the closet, pulled Harry in and closed the door behind them. "HELP!" yelled Harry..  
  
Ron woke up with a scowl. He was even more unhappy when he found Hermione and Harry reading in his closet.  
  
Harry looked bewildered. Ron wondered just what had been going on in that closet. How many books had they read?!  
  
Ron felt betrayed. No one knew how much he was smitten with Hermione. If anyone found out, his life would be ruined. Of course, everyone knew that he loved her. It was hard not to tell. They just didn't know that he was smitten with her.  
  
Harry screamed when Ron opened the door.  
  
"Thank god!" He jumped out of the closet. Hermione was very absorbed in her book.  
  
Ron just blinked.  
  
"Ron! You're awake!" squealed Hermione. She gave him a high-five.  
  
Hermione returned to Harry's side and gushed at him. Ron felt his heart break into the tiniest little fragments.  
  
"Fine. So I see how it is. The way things are." Ron scowled. Harry just looked increasingly bewildered. How strange his life was.  
  
Ron grabbed a broom and leaped out the window. Harry gulped. He would have to be alone with Hermione for days.  
  
When Ron returned, he was a very different person. First of all, he had dyed his hair from bright orange to a fiery yellow, and his eyes were flaming red. He wore a leather robe with skulls embroidered all over. He wore sunglasses tapered with skulls and crossbones at the edges.  
  
He wouldn't talk to Harry- though he would talk to Hermione. Fred and George thought that this was the coolest thing ever, and interrogated the new Ron just to make sure it really was him.  
  
When school started, Ron still did not change his outfit, or his zany newfound ways. He hung out with draco malfoy whenever he had the chance, and was seen carrying a pet snake. In fact, rumour had it that Ron was considering becoming a member of slytherin! Disaster!  
  
Ron was plotting, a very deadly plot indeed. He was pondering how best to kill Harry, and to, at the same time, win Hermione. You see, Voldemort had taken over poor old Ron.  
  
Harry had no clue. He had been quite disturbed lately, now that Hermione hung onto his arm wherever he went. She stuck to him like glue. He just couldn't get her to let go.  
  
One night, while Harry was asleep, Ron picked up his wand and began to incantate dark words, in a dark room. Unfortunately, Ron was renowned for his terrible aim, and ended up killing Dumbledore instead of Harry. When he realized his mistake, he lost the part of him that was Voldemort, and realized that Harry did not love Hermione.  
  
"HARRY!" Ron poked Harry in the eye. "Wake the bloody 'ell up you bloody bloke! Our headmaster's bloody dead and I'm scared!" Harry sat bolt upright and looked at Ron.  
  
"You're talking to me!" Harry leaped into the air and kissed Ron on both cheeks. Ron looked horrified, but Harry couldn't see it in the dark.  
  
"Oh, let's just forget about Dumbledore," said Ron. "You need to sleep."  
  
So they went back to sleep.  
  
Harry's first class was Introduction to Aurory. He had been looking forward to it all summer long. He sat at a desk next to the window.  
  
The most beautiful girl he had ever seen was walking towards the seat next to him. She had long, light hair and dark blue eyes. The expression on her face was not a smile, but at least of content. She was about to sit down next to him when the teacher called her.  
  
"Sorry Miss," grumbled Professor Thimblesworth, "You've been moved to Aurory Period 3." The girl scowled, then left the class. Harry was stunned. It's amazing how often Harry is stunned.  
  
All through the class he could not concentrate Wow, was all that he thought for the next hour and a half.  
  
It was lunch time. Hermione and Ron were sitting side-by-side (as close as possible) across from Harry at the lunch table.  
  
"This food tastes like rotten toad," Ron sighed.  
  
Hermione glared at him. "And just how do you know what rotten toad tastes like?" Ron became a deep fuschia colour.  
  
Just at that moment, Cho Chang came around the corner. "Hiya, Harry," she giggled, fluttering her eyelids. Harry felt sick to his stomach. What had he seen in her? He gave a half-hearted smile and waved. Cho Chang looked furious. In fact, her eyes began to glow a strange greenish colour. Harry knew those eyes from somewhere.. he quickly wielded his wand.  
  
Cho Chang slowly morphed into a gruesome figure, a horrible shade.. Voldemort! Harry was paralyzed with fear. Everyone else had already run away.  
  
Voldemort began to cackle hideously. He did not notice the large figure creeping up behind him.  
  
It was Scary Mary. This was no Mary Sue- it was a creature from the depths of the lower basement. It had a special taste for eating evil creatures. It took Voldemort into its mouth, crunched on him for a few minutes, swallowed, and then retreated back into the depths of the basement.  
  
Harry and Ron looked at their plates in unison.  
  
"I think I've lost my appetite," said Ron.  
  
"Yeah.. same here." Harry watched as Hermione scarfed down a second plateful of food. "Hey, Hermione.. can I talk to you for a minute?"  
  
They went into the hallway to talk.  
  
"Yeah?" Hermione was still chewing on a piece of bread.  
  
"What's wrong? You've been acting odd lately." Harry noticed that tears were welling up in Hermione's eyes. He cringed, and then braced himself.  
  
"Oh Harry IT'S SO TERRIBLE!" she put her face into his shoulder and whimpered.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"I'm pregnant."  
  
Harry fainted. Hermione revived him by kicking him in the face.  
  
"Er.. what was that again?" Harry suddenly remembered. "Ohhh.." He puked into a nearby backpack.  
  
"I don't know who the father is." She said. "Although, I do know that its not.."  
  
"You know that its not m-.." Harry got cut off by Hermione.  
  
"No, I know that it's not you." She rolled her eyes. "The letter from Stork Inc., just arrived yesterday. The baby will be delivered on January 15th."  
  
Harry was in shock. "But Hermione.. You're only 16!"  
  
"Pfff." Hermione rolled her eyes again. "So are you."  
  
"Yeah," agreed Harry. "But at least I'm not pregnant."  
  
Hermione shuffled her feet. "Don't tell Ron."  
  
Harry stared at the floor. "I won't."  
  
"Good," said Hermione, and she skipped back to the Great Hall.  
  
"Harry!" shrieked Professor McGonagall. It was only 3:00 am. "I have an owl for you."  
  
Harry slowly dragged himself out of bed. He hoped he wasn't a father. He hoped it wasn't cold outside. Stupid Hermione and her closet. She reads too many books. Stupid Ron. Harry wondered what they would have for breakfast.  
  
"Come on, Harry." Harry ran down the rest of the stairs.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Here, Potter." She handed him an envelope with a glint of a smile on her face. "Enjoy." She trotted away.  
  
Harry gingerly opened the envelope. He wondered who would be sending him mail. He never got mail from anyone but- Sirius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
His heart skipped about ten beats!  
  
It read:  
  
Hey Harry,  
  
Turns out that the Veil was only a teleporter. I am now lounging around in the lovely tropics of Hawaii, with a lovely old friend of mine, Magdelyn. The beach is awesome, and the water is beautiful. I don't think I'll ever be happier.  
  
Sorry that it's taken me such a long time to write. I haven't been feeling terribly well, especially after the incident. Please don't mention this letter to anyone, as I'm trying to lay low. I'm sure that Voldemort is still after me- and you, as well. Be careful Harry! Don't do drugs! Don't cheat on your OWLS! Don't.. eh.. whatever. Just trying to sound like a more responsible god-parent.  
  
Hope you are great, Love from Padfoot  
  
Harry's eyes grew teary. He did an odd sort of victory dance. Then he fell asleep on the spot. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------- MORE TO COME SOON! However, I need to sleep now! Please give me a long review -----MK 


	2. Another Dark and Stormy Night!

CHAPTER 2: Erm... What Happened Next.  
  
(Flashback for a moment): "You're spelling my name wrong," a young woman poked Sirius in the arm. He was busy writing his letter to Harry. "It's Madeline, not Magdelyn. And you don't even call me Madeline." She sat next to him and looked at him for the next few minutes, her dark eyes boring into his head, forcing him to look at her.  
  
"Oh, Mad.. I thought Magdelyn might look nicer." He grinned. "Also, you never told me how to spell it."  
  
Madeline rolled her eyes. "Right. Come on Sirius. Send your letter already. we have to go!" She tugged playfully at his hair. They had a plane to Hogsmeade to catch in about... er... two minutes!  
  
Sirius finished up and gave the letter to his owl.  
  
Harry was pacing back and forth impatiently. Ron was in the hospital wing for a broken leg, and, well, worrying is just what Harry does. It comes naturally for him, after years of worrying whether or not Moldie Olde Voldie would kill him that year.  
  
Hermione was sitting next to Ron, asking him over and over again exactly how he managed to do something as avoidable as breaking his leg. Ron appeared to be getting mad, but you could tell that he was enjoying all this attention he was getting from her.  
  
"Yes, I think that.." Sirius stopped mid-sentence. They had suddenly and mysteriously appeared right in front of Harry in the hospital wing. Harry nearly tripped over him.  
  
"SIRIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Sirius was in too much shock from what had just happened to notice that Harry was strangling him with a hug.  
  
"Oh, right.. Harry!!" Sirius dusted off his shirt (which for some odd reason was dusty) and thought for a moment. "Er.. Have you any idea how we got here?" Madeline tried to look inconspicuous as she hid her pen.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Hermione dropped the grape that she had been peeling for Ron and jumped 5 feet into midair. "She's the Author!"  
  
Everyone fell to their knees and bowed, excepting Ron, (who for obvious reasons could not, and fell onto his stomach instead) and Sirius (who for some reason was not fazed by this. The Author blushed.  
  
"Well, not really." She started scribbling something into her notepad, and everyone noticed that the walls had changed from a dull white to a raging scarlet. "I'm just the fanfiction author. J.K. Rowling is your creator."  
  
Everyone let out a laugh. Various things were said, all basically; "Oh, that old myth.. Hohohohahaha.. She can't be serious."  
  
Hermione's hair became a livid pink colour and she kissed Ron right on the lips. Ron's leg was suddenly healed. Harry's eyes changed colours- from red to orange to green to yellow to pink and beyond.. Sirius remained unchanged... Oh well, okay... He was a few years younger.  
  
"What do you think of that?" She grinned.  
  
They all gasped in unison.  
  
Madeline didn't notice that the roof was opening above her.. A Great Hand bearing a Pen reached down threateningly.. and tapped her on the shoulder.  
  
She turned around and then screamed, falling to the floor. She stood up again and regained her composure.  
  
"Behold, for I am the Almighty J.K. Rowling!" the voice boomed.  
  
If the students had been embarrassingly humble before, you can imagine what they were like now. Ron scratched his head.  
  
"What's wrong?" Asked Madeline. "I didn't forget to put in a disclaimer. You can't sue me.."  
  
The hand looked ponderous, if a hand can be said to look ponderous. A splotch of ink dripped from the end and splotched onto Harry's face. "Oh, please excuse me, Harry dear," the voice thundered, "Let me get that for you."  
  
"No, I think I'm fine," Harry wiped off his face on Ron's blanket. Ron glowered at him.  
  
Madeline glared at the Hand. "So?"  
  
"You haven't inserted a disclaimer yet. It only reads, " Shame on you!"  
  
Madeline muttered something, then replied, "Okay, okay.. I'll go do that. As long as you promise to leave my plot alone."  
  
The Hand seemed to grin. "GO!"  
  
Madeline wandered off to go make the disclaimer. When she returned, it read, "Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and co. J.K. Rowling does. Please do not sue me. Please do not Mary Sue me. Please leave me alone!" And with that, the Hand left.  
  
Everyone let out a sigh of relief.  
  
Just then, Voldemort entered (with the intent of getting his broken arm mended). Oh the terror! What would happen?  
  
"BwahahhahaaHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA HAHAAHAHAHHA" he laughed.. "So Harry, we meet again. In the Hospital Wing."  
  
Harry, who was getting tired of all these ever-more common misadventures with the Dark Lord took out his wand and said, "Small world, isn't it, Voldemor-.."  
  
Before he could finish his sentence, Sirius had pushed Voldemort out of the window. Obviously Voldemort had not regained all of his strength and fell out of the window with ease.  
  
"I'll be back tomorrow, Harry!" He yelled. There was a soft bboom/b sound as he hit the ground, and muffled cursing as he ran off. Harry was baffled. "Er." He stared at the author for a moment. "Er.. Er.. er. erm.. Er."  
  
The author shrugged.  
  
The author declared this story to be continued.. She will update it again in a couple of hours..  
  
"Oh no," groaned Hermione, and everyone prepared to stay completely still for a few hours.. 


	3. Yet another Dark and Stormy Night! I'm r...

Disclaimer: I do not own J.K. Rowling's story or characters.  
  
"Whew!" Hermione let out a huge sigh as motion was restored to our beloved (?) characters.  
  
"Er," the author checked her watch. "I think its time for me to go."  
  
Sirius looked as though someone had poked him in the eye! "What!?"  
  
"Where b-b-b-loody 'ell are you going to go?" Sirius looked sad, for lack of a better adjective. Ron looked upset. Recently, everyone had been stealing his little phrase!!! (er. "bloody 'ell")  
  
"Well. I can't really tell you. Classified information and all." But the author was no match for the two pairs of eyes that were fixed pleadingly on her. [why?] "Er.." Big green eyes and big dark eyes bored into her head. Yes, Harry and Sirius had so much skill at convincing people with their eyes that even the author fell for their charms. "I'm going back to my notebook. I have to write about you again before the whole universe implodes.. er.. Difficult to explain."  
  
Hermione looked perplexed. "If you're here right now, who is writing the story?"  
  
"It's writing itself.. That's why I have to leave for now.. or else PANDEMONIUM WILL ENSUE!" She kissed Sirius on the cheek and poked Harry in the scar.  
  
"OWW! Quit doing that! Everyone!" Harry's green eyes glowed (quite literally) in fury.  
  
"Good riddance," muttered Hermione. Ron agreed. The author vanished into thin air and all was back to normal. Sort of.  
  
Sirius shook his head, and then lay down onto a hospital bed and began to count the dots on the ceiling (like godfather, like godson) causing several portals to open..  
  
Harry started to do a jig. Ron sang a Jig Song.. However that goes.  
  
Ron ran off all of a sudden to get his magical CD entitled "Jig Masterpieces! #2000054!".  
  
When he left, Hermione poked Harry in the scar and took a deep breath.  
  
"I lied, Harry." She had sad little tears in her eyes. "I'm not pregnant. I have a WEIGHT disorder!" she sobbed into Harry's hair.  
  
Harry wielded his wand. "You're a witch, you know. You could just zap off all that extra weight" He zapped off her extra pounds and her crying subsided. It was replace with a look of fear.  
  
"I was just kidding, Harry. You just killed my unborn offspring!" Hermione screamed and cackled miserably at the same time.  
  
Harry backed away slowly. Hermione had a very, very weird sense of humour lately.  
  
Ron was getting tired of all this bloody weirdness. To his personal request, the story has now been fixed. We are now back in the common room of Gryffindor, where quite normal conversations were taking place.  
  
"So, do you enjoy snow-snorkelling?" asked Harry of Ron. However, Ron was far too busy staring at a very shiny, diamond-y ring that he held in his right hand. He was on the verge of telling the ring that it was his precious when his real precious, Hermione walked in.  
  
"Hermy!" He shrieked and sat her down onto the couch next to him. "'Mione, I have a VERY serious question to ask you, so please set aside your temporary insanity for a moment." Hermione looked at him. He turned such a deep shade of red that it was verging on purple. "Er..Uh..Uhm.. Um..Well.. Hermione, will you do me the bloody honour of marrying me?"  
  
Hermione shuddered. "Good god, Ron," she tilted her head. "No way."  
  
Ron looked as though someone had taken his heart and stuck 100000000000000000000 of Fred and George's new-and-improved "Quadruple Extreme Dungbombs" inside of it, setting them off one at a time. (The quadruple extreme dungbombs had not finished testing yet. None of the test subjects had survived! (Luckily, Fred and George only tested such new and dangerous products on Muggles and, when they had the chance, death eaters.))  
  
Hermione burst into peals of laughter. The whole of the Common Room seemed to convulse with her hysterical laughter! Ron began to cry. Hermione's laughter suddenly and alarmingly halted. Some readers may begin to wonder if Hermione's sanity had disappeared completely because of her disturbing OOCness!  
  
Hermione picked Ron up from the floor (where he had been quite contentedly grovelling at her feet..) and cooed, "Of course I'll marry you. You bloody gullible sweet little dolt, you!"  
  
Hermione had her back to Harry, who took this opportune moment to blast Hermione with a Sanity Restoring Spell!  
  
"Sanitorium Restorium!" He winced at the pathetic-sounding incantation that the author had come up with.  
  
Hermione fell to the floor. "Look what you did!" Ron whined, tears pouring out of his eyes, "You just ruined the happiest moment of my life!" Harry rolled his eyes.  
  
"Actually, I saved the happiest moment of your life!" Harry gestured to Hermione, who slowly stood up.  
  
"Oh my goodness.. I think.. I think I'm sane again." Hermione laughed one last maniacal laugh, that slowly faded away. "Oh.. thank god.." She fainted right into Ron's arms. Ron looked ecstatic.  
  
By the next day, almost everything had returned to normal. Well except for Snape showing up to class in a pink tutu and doing the hula, and Dumbledore (yes, he returned from the dead) showing off his new nose ring, lip ring, and eyelid ring..  
  
Yes, things were back to normal..  
  
Or were they?  
  
**************************************************************************** 


End file.
